Mr. Trashcan has never been one to shy away from controversial topics and is not about to start today. After researching the controversy surrounding the so-called “Yucca Mountain Repository”, Mr. Trashcan felt it was time for a deep-dive into the problem. As always, Mr. Trashcan seeks out truth with the help of foremost experts in any matter and this is no exception.
Exclusive: Actual photography of the Yucca Mountain Facility taken by MTC drones
Yesterday, he had the good fortune to have lunch with internationally recognized spent rod handling expert and South Eastern Kansas dinner theatre performer of the year Dr. J Matt Witte of the University of Left Texas Special Academy for the Preservation of the Bi-lateral Sciences. It seemed like the perfect time to dig in and get to the bottom of this proposed storage facility for spent rods. So we headed to lunch.Aside: An unedited transcript of the conversation between Mr. Trashcan and Dr. Witte follows. Mr. Trashcan and mrtrashcan.com take no responsibility any of the sub-liminal advertising, judgement or transcription errors in the text.
Act I, Scene I : Two men sit quietly at a non-descript table tucked in the corner of a local “burrito” establishment.
Mr Trashcan (MTC): Steak burrito?
Dr. Witte (DW): Why yes, yes it is. Nothing slips past you Mr. Trashcan.
MTC: Dr. Witte, first let me thank you for taking time off from your whistle-stop tour of lower-rust-belt dinner theatres, venerating your recent and I must say, well deserved, South Eastern Kansas award. Your second-entrée, one-man portrayal of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern is truly the stuff of legends. I sincerely hope all of the loyal Mr. Trashcan readers out there get a chance to see you perform it live!
DW: Well, thank you very much, it means a lot to me coming from such a notable stage-craft authority as yourself. Next year I’m hoping to capture the hearts and minds of all of Kansas with our new production featuring an innovative re-imaging of the Heller classic Catch-22 rent from the perspective of America’s favorite deafblind, Jodie Foster. But I digress, that’s not why we are here today, is it MTC? May I call you MTC?
MTC: By all means, please do.
DW: I assume you have asked me here to explore the myths and disinformation surrounding one of our nation’s most critical infrastructure investments, the Yucca Mountain Repository, correct?
Act II: The two men glance about, surveying the other customers and, finding no one suspect, continue in earnest.
MTC: As I understand it, a large portion of the project is centered around the long term storage and preservation of this country’s spent rods? As one of the foremost experts in rods, and spent rods in particular, why this fuss and perhaps more importantly the interest the long-term storage of these rods?
DW: Well first, let’s get some definitions straight. We are not talking strictly about rods here. The legislation was written in such a fashion to include a less strict interpretation. rodney for example or roderick would be included, provided of course that they were definitively in decline.
MTC: Would that extend to roddy as well? Or perhaps even Rodger?
DW: My interpretation of the bill would suggest that roddy is in, but for obvious reasons rodger is way out.
MTC: Ok, so they dig out a mountain and just stack them like so much cord-wood in a cool dry mine in Nevada where they what, mummify?
DW: No, no, no. Nothing like that. Yucca Mountain is all about humane preservation of the rods until their country once again needs them, perhaps in times of global crisis. If you want a mummy, go visit Madame Tussauds and gawk at Whoopi, Snoop or Gwen. Our rods will be free to roam about, unfettered and unburdened by the challenges of modern life. Free to once again capture the essence of our hopes and aspirations. Remember, these are national treasures we are preserving and with modern techniques, we believe we can hold onto them for several centuries at least.
MTC: I see. I see. So only the living, active but spent rods then? From all walks of life?
DW: Correct. It seems that historically, rods are some of the most giving of themselves by nature and spent examples may be found in several different vocations. Unfortunately, the Yucca Mountain project comes too late to help out our late great entertainers (Dangerfield, Serling, Steiger, McDowall) civil liberty enthusiasts (King) or sports legends (Brind’Amour¹), but the current list is still quite impressive and in desperate need of societal preservation. Consider these living, spent rod legends Congress is considering for long-term storage:
- Entertainment:
- Piper¹, Stewart, (Radiation) Byers
- Politics/Civil Liberties:
- Blagojevich Dennis Rodman (special North Korean dispensation clause)
- Sports:
- Harrison, Woodson, Carew, Laver, White
Act III: Their earnest and somewhat overly-zealous conversation quiets the surrounding tables. A woman sighs and, scowling at our protagonists, clasps her hands about her child’s ears and escorts him to a more remote aspect of the establishment. They continue, in a more reserved tone, with an extended audience.
MTC: Wait, not all of the folks you mention are Americans.
DW: It’s not the name on the passport that counts here, just the impact they have had on the American dream. For where would we all be without the true leaders and dreamers to look up to. Admit it, you cried during ‘Hell Comes to Frogtown’, like all kind-hearted souls.
MTC: Ah, cinema par-excellence, the very title makes me mist up a bit, even today. I have to admit Dr Witte, you make a remarkably compelling case for at least the spent rod preservation concept, but let’s go back to the mine shaft again. Why a mine, why Nevada? Why not a place they might be more comfortable in, say the Woodlawn motor hotel (or motel if you believe the fine folks in San Luis Obispo) in Marion, North Carolina? They have great rates, air conditioning and, most importantly, free adult swim! Certainly a more fitting abode for these dedicated folks than a hole in the ground?
Artist’s Rendering: Woodlawn Motor Hotel, Marion, North Carolina, USA
DW: Well, there are a couple of lines of thinking here and a most compelling political case. First, there is some truth to your mummy comment earlier. No-one, I mean no-one can tolerate the NC summer, much less a collection of sun crazed rotting rods. Second, Nevada is in desperate need of additional tourist attractions. Think of the tickets that could be sold to this one! I don’t want to name any names, but there are vigilant political forces at work as well, ensuring any competition stays within desert earshot (you know the Shosone even better than I MTC). Finally, without the YMSRR, where would our job growth number be without the thousands of otherwise unemployed homeless people gainfully employed by the project? Think of the children my good man, think of the children.
Epilogue : Drinks in hand, baskets empty, napkins crumpled, they ignore the confused stares from other patrons. Chairs lean back as our heroes close out their meal.
MTC: Of course I can’t argue with your iron-clad logic Dr Witte, we need storage for our spent rods. So, today it’s spent rods, but where does it all end? Condos for phils? Aqueducts full of barrys? I mean the proposed constitutional amendment declaring the fundamental right of sea-side resorts for franks is a different story, but a collection of habitrails for fishers?
DW: Precisely, good sir, where DOES it end?
Well that about sums up our Mr. Trashcan exclusive investigation into the driving forces behind the Yucca Mountain Spent Rod Repository. I hope you enjoyed it as much as Mr. Trashcan enjoyed his burrito!
Keep your stick on the ice!
Footnotes
- Yes, yes Mr. Trashcan is well aware that Rod Piper has technically passed and Rod Brind’Amour is still “with us”, but really, can “Rowdy” Roddy Piper ever truly pass on? Isn’t there just a little mock-Scottish living in all of us because of him? And of course it matters not to Mr. Trashcan if folks are physically dead if they are already dead inside… Nuff said, MTC.