Mr TrashcanStar Trek Parody
By Julie Frank, Sun 21 December 2025, in category Short stories
By Julie Frank, Sun 21 December 2025, in category Short stories
A parody by Julie Frank
(Open with a scene of the Enterprism circling a planet.)
KIRK: (voice) Stardate 2644, and we are circling the planet Sony Flounder 8, the home of Outpost Phi Tappa Kegga. We are investigating a distress call...
(Scene changes to bridge. Present are UHURA, KIRK, SPOCK, SULU.)
UHURA: (Whining) No we're not, captain. I haven't said we are receiving one yet.
KIRK:Oops, sorry.
UHURA: (Whining) Captain, there's something coming over the distress channel.
KIRK:What is it?
UHURA:It's a channel reserved exclusively for distress calls, but that's not important now.
KIRK:Put the call on video. (thoughts) It must be the outpost.
CMR: (On video screen with static) Help, this is Phi Tappa Kegga of Sony Flounder 8. We are in grave danger.
UHURA:We read you outpost, this is the Starship Enterprism, what seems to be the trouble?
CMR:We are suffering from a grave future, an almost certain disaster.
SPOCK:All readings on the planet indicate normal functions.
KIRK:We can find nothing wrong, how can we help?
CMR:We...we...we are out of...(breaking down)...out of ... coffee!
(Good place for some "shocking" music)
KIRK:Good God, the situation is worse than we anticipated. Outpost, we can help you, let us organize a party...
SPOCK:There's hardly time for that.
KIRK:No, no, a landing party.
SPOCK:Oh...
CMR:We appreciate any help you can give us. But, there is another danger. (static comes over the signal) You must...beware...the intruder...
KIRK:Uhura, what's happening?
UHURA:We're losing the signal, bonehead.
KIRK:Well, all right, Spock take over command. Uhura have McCoy and Scotty meet me in the transporter room, and somebody clean those windows, they've got filth and muck on them.
(This is the place where the Star Trek theme is played)
(KIRK, MCCOY, SCOTTY, beam to planet surface, an empty lot. Looks of general confusion.)
MCCOY:Jim, where's the blasted outpost.
KIRK:We must have beamed down a little off course. Scotty, pick up the outpost coordinates on tricorder.
SCOT:I don't have a thing, captain, just empty space.
KIRK:Kind of like your head. (KIRK and MCCOY look at each other, laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.) No life forms?
SCOT:I've got something, but its metal, could be a ship. Wait, it's gone now, picking up a life reading approaching at mark four. It should be in sight about...now.
(At that very second, all three look up simultaneously to see DR. DINA DUSTERDUSTER.)
DINA:Um, hello.
(Shot of SCOT head and shoulders, DINA head and shoulders; MCCOY face, DINA face; KIRK eyes, DINA eyes; sultry music.)
KIRK: (Shocked, but pleasantly surprised) Dina...
DINA:That's right, captain James T. Kirk. I always knew you'd come walking back into my life.
KIRK: (Putting his arm around her) We received a distress call...
(She puts him into a headlock)
DINA:I learned to hate you the last ten years of my life.
(SCOT and MCCOY break her hold on KIRK)
KIRK: (Rubbing his neck) Dina...we received a distress call from the outpost...where is it?
DINA:It's not here. It's gone.
KIRK:What?
DINA:That's right, I left to take wind temperature readings and when I came back it was gone.
MCCOY:Jim, a whole outpost doesn't just disappear into thin air.
KIRK:Enough jokes, missy. (Into communicator) Spock, can you pick up the outpost on sensors?
SPOCK: (Voice) The planet appears completely barren, captain, no life forms but your own.
KIRK:Thank you. Kirk out. No life forms? A barren planet?
MCCOY:Jim, that's impossible. We had been receiving signals from the outpost saying that the planet was inhabitable.
KIRK:Wait, the commander spoke of a great danger, Bones, is it possible that the outpost was destroyed right after the transmission of the distress call?
MCCOY:Jim, I'm a doctor, not a plot analyst.
KIRK:Dina, where is the outpost?
DINA:I told you Kirk, I was out and when I came back, it was gone. It will be getting dark soon. I would feel better discussing this on board your ship.
KIRK:Look, missy, we're not going anywhere until we find out what happened to the outpost.
SCOT: (Aside) Captain, we can't do that.
KIRK:Why not?
SCOT:If we don't do exactly as she says, the plot won't move along correctly.
KIRK:Right. (Into communicator) Transporter, four to beam up.
(Sick bay. MCCOY is giving DINA a medical exam using the salt shaker. Has 'flashlight' on head. Present are KIRK and SPOCK.)
DINA:So, as I was saying, when I got back from taking the wind temperature readings, the outpost was...gone...I'm telling the truth, you've got to believe me. I know just as much as you.
SPOCK: (Raising eyebrow) Fascinating.
KIRK:Well, McCoy...
(In the tradition of the Ghostbusters gag; MCCOY shines light into KIRK's eyes.)
MCCOY:She's telling the truth, at least she thinks she is.
DINA:Well, of course, why would I make up a story about something like that?
MCCOY:But a whole planet turned barren?
KIRK:Yes, how do you explain the fact that all the vegetation too, was suddenly, gone.
DINA:Parts of the planet are desert, too. I was out in one of those desert regions. You must have beamed down just as I was returning.
SPOCK: (Raising eyebrow) Fascinating.
DINA:You must believe me.
KIRK:No one's accusing you of lying, except perhaps the audience who knows you must be the evil alien in this episode.
(MCCOY and SPOCK exchange knowing looks. Exit MCCOY)
DINA:Be that as it may, I am grateful to you for rescuing me. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't happened along.
KIRK:Starved?
DINA:Well, yes, I guess I could have starved...
SPOCK:Breathed?
DINA:Well, I suppose I would have breathed too...
KIRK:Slept?
DINA:I suppose...
SPOCK:Sneezed?
DINA:I...
KIRK:Ate?
SPOCK:Walked?
KIRK:Sat down?
SPOCK:Digested?
KIRK:Picked your nose?
SPOCK:There was a distress call originating from the planet. It was only logical that we stop and investigate.
KIRK:Whistled?
DINA:You know, Klingon...
SPOCK:Vulcan.
DINA:Right. You know, I've never encountered one of your type before. I've always been curious.
KIRK:Coughed?
SPOCK:Well, I hope I've lived up to your expectations.
DINA:Not really.
KIRK:Spock, why don't you give Dina and I some time alone. I'll expect you in my quarters later.
SPOCK:I will continue monitoring the planet. (Exit)
KIRK:Dina, if the outpost was destroyed, how could we have received a distress call?
DINA:Well, it wasn't sent by me. I'm a scientist, not an engineer. I don't know.
KIRK:It's good to see you again, Dina.
DINA:The only thing to do now is head to Starbase seven.
KIRK:Why?
DINA:To notify Star Fleet Command, of course.
KIRK:We've already done that. I think. Better make sure. (into intercom) Spock, have you notified Star Fleet Command?
SPOCK:Yes, I did, Captain. Two point four nine seven hours ago
KIRK:Good work, Spock. (off intercom) Couldn't do a thing without me. We have been ordered to monitor the planet.
DINA:I need to contact some other members of my research group.
KIRK:All in good time. (Calling to engineering.) Scotty, why don't you come up here?
SCOT: (Voice) Aye, captain, just a second. (sound of toilet flushing)
KIRK:I'll want to talk to you later, Dina. (Calling bridge.) Spock, meet me in my quarters.
SCOT: (Entering.) Yes, captain.
KIRK:Dina, I want you to meet Mr. Scott, our ship's head engineer. Keep her busy for a while, show her around the ship.
SCOT: (Extending his arm.) It will be a pleasure.
DINA: (Taking his arm and leaving.) See you around, Captain Kirk.
(They leave, KIRK goes to his quarters, which happens to be conveniently located right next door. SPOCK and KIRK.)
SPOCK:You wanted to see me?
KIRK:This whole mess just doesn't make any sense!
SPOCK:The doctor's behavior is quite illogical. Either she is lying (confused pause) or she isn't.
KIRK:Thank you, Spock. Why would she want to go to Starbase seven? That's what makes me suspicious.
SPOCK:The most influential Starbase in this galaxy...
KIRK:Of all the run-down gin joints and starships, she has to beam aboard mine.
SPOCK:You knew her before?
KIRK:Knew ... her ... and yet now I don't know her. She doesn't seem the same. We were academy sweethearts. I was training to be a starship commander, her a stewardess.
SPOCK:Fascinating.
KIRK:But that was a long time ago. I don't feel that way anymore.
SPOCK:Perhaps you should go back to decaffeinated coffee.
KIRK:You know I don't intend to leave the planet without any more answers.
SPOCK:Logical.
KIRK: (Sighs.) I think I need to relax.
SPOCK:I will continue my research. (Turns to exit.)
KIRK: (Putting his arm around SPOCK.) No, no, don't go. You know, Spock, it gets very lonely in space. We should spend more time ... together. You've always seemed too me ... more ... sensitive than the rest...
(Shot of SPOCK raising eyebrow.)
(DINA and SCOT are continuing their tour of the ship.)
SCOT:Aye, she's been through more stormy seas than any other.
DINA:Seas?
SCOT:Ship.
DINA:I must say I am impressed. And what's in here?
SCOT:I must boast, now, lassie. That be the engine room. Me very own pride and joy.
DINA:It's pretty much the whole crux of power on this ship, right?
SCOT: (They enter the room.) Aye, this is what makes the whole Enterprism function.
DINA:So then if someone wanted to sabotage or take over the ship, this would be the place to go.
SCOT:Aye, you learn quick lassie, in fact, (Shows her an instrument panel.) if one wanted to, all you would have to do to render the ship helpless is push a few of these buttons. (Does so.)
DINA:Very interesting.
(KIRK's quarters. He still has his arm around SPOCK. This picks up right where it left off.)
UHURA: (Over intercom.) Captain, you'd better get up here, we're picking up something on sensors but I can't get anything on visual or make contact.
KIRK:Have you tried to make contact?
UHURA:I said I can't make contact.
KIRK:Anything on sensors?
UHURA:I said we have something on sensors.
KIRK:Anything on visual.
UHURA:I said nothing.
KIRK:You said nothing? No wonder I don't know what's going on around here.
UHURA: (Scream)
KIRK: (To SPOCK.) Sounds like I'd better get up there right away.
(Immediately, the scene jumps to the bridge. UHURA, CHEKOV, SULU, KIRK.)
KIRK:All right, now Uhura, what seems to be the trouble?
UHURA:We've got something on sensors, but no visual or contact.
KIRK: (Joking.) But do you have anything on sensors?
UHURA: (Screams, then storms off.)
KIRK:Well, now that we're rid of the women, what's the deal, Chekov?
CKOV:Well, I've got a reading, but as far as the eye can see, the sky appears as empty as the vast Siberian wasteland I yearn for...(Breaks down in tears.)
KIRK:Chekov, why don't you go have a glass of vodka and read a couple more chapters of The Brothers Karamozov.
CKOV:Aye, thank you comrade captain. (Exit)
KIRK:Poor, pathetic commie. Sulu, any impressions?
SULU:Well, I do a great Bruce Lee.
KIRK:I'd love to see it sometime.
SULU:Wait, I've got a ship on visual.
KIRK:What?
SULU:A ship. On visual.
KIRK:Where?
SULU:They're raising shields.
KIRK:Um...
SULU:They're locking phasers...
KIRK:Raise shields...
(Blasts shake up the bridge. General chaos. Electric wires falling from ceiling, etc.)
UHURA:Sir, that was an alien vessel, they are saying that we had better turn over what is theirs or we're in for more of the same.
KIRK:The same what?
SULU:They're veering around.
KIRK:What are they talking about? We are certainly not about to back off.
SULU:They're firing again!
KIRK:Hold on....
(More general chaos)
KIRK: (Over intercom.) Scotty, damage...
SCOT: (Voice.) No thanks, captain, we've had enough.
KIRK:No, I mean give me a damage report.
SCOT:Well, main energizers out, warp drive ninety percent damaged, and the sinks on level four just backed up. She's just hanging on by a thread. But I think I could get up a little phaser power.
KIRK:Do you think you could get up a little phaser power?
SCOT:Aye, captain, you got it.
KIRK:Sulu, lock phasers on target.
SULU:Phasers locked.
KIRK: FIRE!!!
(ENTERPRISM fires on the vessel, scene of Death Star explosion.)
SULU: (Stunned.) They just...
KIRK:Self-destructed??!!
(Engineering. DINA, SCOT, SPOCK.)
SCOT:The engines are a bloody mess. If the captain wishes to have at another shot of phaser power, I'm afraid he's just out of luck.
SPOCK:How are the matter-antimatter warp drive engine-type- thingies?
SCOT:Even if we try to get up to impulse power I canna be responsible for the safety of the ship.
KIRK: (Voice.) Scotty, we need more power.
SCOT:I told you, we're just hanging on now.
SPOCK:They knew exactly where to hit us.
KIRK:Well, do some engineering stuff. Kirk out.
SPOCK:What would we do without him?
SCOT:Aye, well lassie, do you know anything about electronic repair?
DINA:A little, I can give a hand...
SCOT:You can start over there...
(He points to the control board he showed her at first. She repeats the sequence for taking control of the ship. All power goes out completely except for emergency power. Shot of bridge undergoing damage.)
KIRK:Scotty, what in blazes is going on down there?
(DINA clobbers a security guard, grabs his phaser and points it at SCOTTY and SPOCK.)
DINA:Forget it, Kirk, I've taken over the ship now, I have put out the engines. (SCOT and SPOCK turn around. She points the phaser at them. They freeze.)
SPOCK:At this rate our orbit will decay and we will crash to the planet in three point one-seven hours, upon which the ship will break into approximately four million...
DINA:Shut up, Klingon!
SPOCK:Vulcan.
DINA:(Thoughts.) I've got to get off this death trap.
(She looks away for a second, and SPOCK moves to put the 'pinch' on her. She fires and he falls to the ground, stunned.)
(Scene switches to the bridge.)
KIRK: (Into intercom.) Scotty, Scotty, ...
MCCOY: (Entering.) Jim, what in blazes is going on up here?
KIRK:Dina has taken over the ship.
MCCOY: (Sarcastically) Gee, how could that happen.
KIRK:Sulu, take over, Bones, come with me to engineering.
(Scene switches to engineering. Dina kills two DSG's. DSG-Disposable Security Guards.)
DINA:I told you don't try any funny stuff. I want off this death trap.
(KIRK and MCCOY enter, she jumps at the opportunity to take the captain hostage. She drags him down the hallway.)
DINA:I want a shuttle off this ship...
KIRK:Death trap.
DINA:I want a shuttle off this death trap and safe passage to Starbase seven where I can contact my superiors.
KIRK:Do as she says.
SCOT:Lass, it will take some time to prepare a shuttle.
DINA: (Tightening her grip on the captain.) Well, then you'd better get on it right away.
SCOT:McCoy, you'd better look in on Spock.
MCCOY:What about the captain?
DINA:You silly sods will do anything for this guy, I'm keeping him as ransom until I reach Starbase seven.
SCOT:You can't do that...
DINA:And why not?
KIRK:Enough, just get the doctor what she wants. (Exit SCOT.) Dina, I don't understand what has happened to you.
DINA:Kirk, I represent a race of people as underhanded, low-down and diabolical as the Arabs, the Cossaks, or the Meltdowns from Ceti Delta Mecron.
SCOT: (Re-entering.) Dina, if you will come this way, we almost have your shuttle ready.
(SCOT, DINA, and KIRK all leave to go to the shuttle bay.)
(MCCOY is checking up on SPOCK, who is slowly regaining consciousness.)
MCCOY:There, there, you're just fine. Stunned, that's all.
SPOCK:Doctor, we must stop Dina.
MCCOY:Yes, of course we should. She's holding the captain as ransom until we give her a shuttle off the death trap.
SPOCK:The what?
MCCOY:Never mind.
SPOCK:Let us analyze the situation logically.
MCCOY:If Dina doesn't get a shuttle, shell kill the captain!
SPOCK:So we lose a shuttle, or the captain.
MCCOY: (In revelation) That's right!
SPOCK:What do you think we should do?
MCCOY:Gee, (rubs head) I dunno.
SPOCK:Shuttles get very expensive.
MCCOY:Yeah, they do. (Both ponder decision)
SPOCK:Hmmmmm...
MCCOY:Hmmmmm...
SPOCK:Hmmmmm...
MCCOY:You know, if you were in this situation, Kirk would save you. He's that stupid.
SPOCK:That is logical. I shall save him then.
MCCOY:Yeah, we need somebody to tell us when we're in big trouble.
SPOCK:There is an easy way to render her completely helpless...
MCCOY:What's that?
SPOCK:That means that she will be totally powerless, but that's not important to us right now. What we need is a tape recorder and a can of beer.
MCCOY:What good will a can of beer do against Dina, get her drunk?
SPOCK:No, the beer is for me, we use the tape recorder against her. Being stunned is hard work.
MCCOY:Well, we'd better hurry.
(The two of them round up a tape recorder and rush off to the shuttle bay.
MCCOY:This had better work.
SPOCK: (Smiling.) Trust me.
(Shuttle bay. DINA, SCOT, KIRK.)
KIRK: (Thoughts.) I've got to stall for time.
SCOT: (Thoughts.) I've got to stall for time.
DINA: (Aloud.) You'd all better not be just stalling for time, cause I got an itchy trigger finger.
SCOT:It takes a while to get a shuttle all fueled up, lass.
KIRK:Please, you've got to give us more time.
DINA:Time is a luxury you don't have Kirk. In fact this whole ship should crash in about three hours anyways.
SPOCK: (Entering.) Two point seven-five hours to be exact. (He presses the record button of the tape recorder.)
DINA:What are you worried about Kirk, you'll be long gone by then.
KIRK:Look, missy, my ship and my crew come first before my own safety.
(SPOCK rewinds the tape and plays back the last phrase said by DINA) DINA: (Tape.) What are you worried about Kirk, you'll be long gone by then.
DINA: (Aloud.) Wha?
(She releases her grip on KIRK, drops the phaser, and SPOCK quickly puts the pinch on her. She falls to the ground. MCCOY comes rushing in when the camera can be switched.)
KIRK:Nice work Spock, I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to show up. (Into intercom.) Security, come and take care of Doctor Dusterduster.
SCOT:We're out of that danger, but that doesn't right the fact that this ship is headed for disaster.
SPOCK:It is true that the ship's orbit will decay and we will crash in two point seven one hours.
KIRK:Would you say we are in any immediate danger?
MCCOY:We're all going to be killed!
KIRK:So just what are you trying to say?
SCOT:I'll try and see if I can surpass the damage she did.
KIRK:Why don't you try to surpass the damage Dina did?
SCOT:Aye, captain. (Exit.)
MCCOY:I'll go see that our friend is properly taken care of.
KIRK:What friend is that?
MCCOY:Never mind. (Exit.)
KIRK:Spock, to the bridge.
SPOCK:I assume you'll want me to keep telling you how much time we have before we crash.
KIRK:Right, now, to the bridge.
(Engineering. SCOT is looking at an electrical outlet, holding an electrical cord in his hand. Possible DER's looking on. DER-Disposable Engineering Repairmen.)
SCOT:Now I wonder just what went wrong. Maybe if I try this...
(He plugs in the electrical cord. Full power and control are restored to the ship.)
(Bridge, at the same time that SCOT is 'repairing' the engines. KIRK, SPOCK, SULU, CHEKOV.)
SCOT: (Over intercom.) Captain, I have restored full power to the ship, we may proceed as you wish.
KIRK:Good work, Scot, remind me to put you in my will. Chekov, set a course for Starbase seven.
CKOV:Aye captain. You know,. I still don't understand this whole episode.
SULU:Me neither. I thought Doctor Dusterduster was on our side.
KIRK:Ah, for my favorite part of the show, explaining the plot to the helmsmen. Spock, you may do the honors.
SPOCK:Simple, Dina, or the alien, landed on the planet and destroyed the outpost and sent out a distress call to lure us there.
KIRK:We picked up a blip of a metal on our tricorders when we beamed down.
SPOCK:The alien's ship.
KIRK:Her ship.
SPOCK:She destroyed it to keep us from discovering it.
KIRK:Blew it up.
SPOCK:Once on our ship, (Kirk makes explosion noise, throws arms into air) she wanted to take it over and proceed to Starbase seven,
KIRK:Starbase seven.
SPOCK:Do you mind, captain?
KIRK:Oh! Sorry, Spock.
SPOCK:She would most likely have attempted to take over there, also.
CKOV:But what I don't understand is why would she do that?
SULU:Yeah, I heard she was even one of Kirk's old flames.
KIRK:Yes, an old flame, but I checked out Star Fleet Command's record on Dina, she has been dead for two years.
SULU:I'm sorry.
SPOCK:Sorry, captain.
CKOV:I'm sorry, captain.
KIRK:No need to be.
CKOV:So, who was she really?
SPOCK:A member of another race of aliens, the Cromomandons. (Kirk repeats 'Cromomandons' and nods in agreement) An incredibly vicious race, capable of almost perfectly imitating humans. The chief flaw of these peoples is that they cannot stand to hear the sound of their own recorded voices.
SULU:How did you know?
SPOCK:I first suspected she was not who she claimed she was when she said she had never met a vulcan before. Dina Dusterduster had. I remember. I figured out the rest by pure logic.
KIRK:Logic.
CKOV:Spock, you're so smart, how do you figure out these things before the rest of us?
SPOCK:Simple, I help write the scripts.
KIRK:Well, you know what they say, "When you help write the script...
SULU:...you always know what's going to happen."
CKOV:I believe that is a Russian saying.
(All start laughing hysterically except for SPOCK who simply raises his eyebrow. Camera pans out and the Enterprism is shown proceeding out of orbit. Credits. Closing theme.)