General Motors today held a press conference to unveil the first new car since its merger with the Government of the United States and Mr Trashcan had a front seat with other distinguished members of the press. GM spokesperson Ivan Gregory opened the proceedings, “Today we are announcing a new age in American automobile, the Chevy Comrade™, THE vehicle of choice for the American patriot citizen.”
“Our engineers and PR staff spent literally hours coming up with this new, all encompassing design”, boasted Gregory. The announcement follows directly on the heels of the President’s, now legendary, YouTube address challenging the nation to commit itself to the goal, that “before this decade is out, there be three cars in every garage, HDTV in every household and free choice of long distance carrier”. Gregory continued, “In the spirit of that challenge and under the Domestic Automobile Manufacturer Nationalization (DAMN) provision in section 299.792.458 of the TARP VI legislation, GM makes an unprecedented offer to United States citizens. Every citizen over the age of 18 is required to purchase a GM automobile every 36 months. ‘Buyers’ should have no concerns about credit or financing as that has been streamlined directly thought the IRS for your convince. You need only show up at your local dealer on your prescribed date to drive off with your brand new car!”
Government spokesperson and press conference co-host Eva Harris went on to extol the virtues of the Comrade, “This is a glorious day for all Americans. Through our new alliance with GM, we are making good on the American dream of four wheels and inalienable right to enjoy the open road.” “The Comrade not only embodies this American dream, but the green dream as well!”, said Harris. “Groundbreaking new oversight legislation has been enacted in conjunction with TARP VI, closing previous egregious corporate loopholes, for example those that allow auto manufacturers to ‘game’ MPG reports by counting just the gasoline in flex fuel mixtures. Previous administrations bent in the wind to corporate interests, but no more.” She went on to explain, “The solution was so simple we almost missed it. The new legislation simply redefines 50 miles as the distance the Comrade can travel on one gallon of domestic gasoline! Not only is an automobile fleet that averages 50mpg good for the environment, but we created hundreds of good jobs deploying updated roadside signage.”
When pressed for details of this exciting new offering, Gregory noted that they would be included in the hourly government email update, “We share your excitement and are preparing the first set of ‘buyer’ offers this week. Selected citizens should expect the emails in their TARP III mandated gcitizen (beta) accounts. With these new universal email accounts, we can contact all of our new customers directly with this critical information, saving us an entire Brazilian rainforest of trees every year!” Mr Trashcan voiced concerns about the availability of all of these new cars, “How does GM expect to meet the unprecedented demand these new cars will generate?” Harris responded that “this is a real concern” and that “they were considering using the public service manpower like the Americorps to augment production lines”. Harris left the door open for use of other public service mechanisms to meet the needs.
I know I want mine in powder blue!